We have all heard it. Many of us have said it. There are thousands of memes floating about the internet saying it every which way. Telling our friends who don’t have children that they couldn’t possibly be tired.
“You think YOU’RE tired? Try [insert a multitude of parenting reasons here] and THEN tell me you are tired!”
I was a little bit older when I became a parent. I heard this statement a lot. A LOT.
But, I was tired. Sure, at that point I didn’t have the responsibility and stress of keeping another human alive, which is exhausting in a whole new way. But, damn it, I was tired.
There were points where my work was stressful and I wasn’t sleeping through the night because I was worrying or planning in my head or sending emails at 2 a.m.
There was a period that I was battling undiagnosed depression and all I wanted to do, and all I thought about – from the time I woke up to the time I was able to fall asleep on the couch immediately after work – was sleep. It took a few months of tests and a sleep study to figure out what was going on.
There were points when I just plain didn’t sleep enough.
I have friends who don’t have kids that are incredibly ambitious and work a lot, by their own choice. They own their own businesses and hold multiple jobs. I just look at them and know they are exhausted. Frankly, there are times they are probably more tired that I am.
When you are tempted to make this statement, think back to your pre-parent days. Your context for tired may have been different, but it was still real. Try to remember that. Your personal definition of ‘tired’ may change over time, but remember that at one time you were the person you are speaking with.
Remember that even though said person may be child-free doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be. They might give anything to be your kind of tired. A reminder may not be helpful.
All I am trying to say is, perhaps there is a whole lot more to that person’s “I’m tired” that what is simply on the surface. It may be an opportunity to set your tired aside and ask a friend a few deeper questions. The most soul-weary, exhausted tired I have ever been in my life was before I became a mom – just something to keep in mind.
The next time you are tempted to let these words escape your lips, I ask you to pause. Everyone’s ‘tired’ is different, but it is still valid. Before you one-up someone with how he or she couldn’t possibly be tired, respond instead with compassion, empathy and understanding. Because, you were there once, and they may be in your shoes one day.
