My dear, sweet girl,
Our lives have been enriched exponentially since the moment you arrived. You are still a baby, but you are growing far too quickly for my liking. From what I hear, time will continue to feel like it is just moving faster and you will grow up all too soon.
For now, my favorite moments are those when I get to snuggle up and nurse you. These are moments that are just you and me, and they are precious. Your blue eyes lock with mine and I am overwhelmed with emotion every single time. Recently, we were having a moment and you grabbed my hand with your tiny fingers. Right then it struck me – I will hold your hand forever, even when I am not there.
My girl, you will be crawling and walking soon and you will inevitably fall. I will pick you up, kiss your boo boo, hold your hand for a moment and then send you off on your next baby adventure. I will hold your hand when you learn to cross the street safely, as we walk down the sidewalk or through a parking lot. One day, you will tell me, “no, Mama, I can do it myself”. I will cry, because I know that one day you really won’t need my hand to cross the street. Still another day, I will let you and I will be by your side. Another day yet, I will let you go alone. I will watch you go, and I assure you I will be a hot mess. But I will still be with you, holding your hand from afar. I will always be with you.
It wont be long before I hold your hand on the way into school on the first day, your dad will hold your other. All too quickly you will jump out of the car with a quick “bye, mom”… for a while. Then suddenly, you’ll be putting yourself on the bus and driving yourself to school. One day we will drop you off at college. That day, after I wrap you in a long hug and do my best to not cry in front of your new roommate (I will save that for the car with your dad… maybe) know that I will continue to hold your hand, even when I am not there.
You will go through a phase where you literally won’t want to hold my hand. You will actively avoid it, as a matter of fact. I will still be holding your hand. There will be times that you won’t like me. It will be because I am trying to guide and teach you from my own mistakes. It is because I am holding your hand.
One day, someone will break your heart. I hope you tell me. I will hold your hand and I will tell you about my first heartbreak. There may be other heartbreaks as well, I will always be here to hold your hand and listen to you without (external) judgment. Internally, I am going to want to kick that person’s ass.
Inevitably, there will be a time or times when life will get very hard. It happens. It is when we find ourselves, we find our strength. I had nights when I called your grandma in the wee hours of the morning, crying. For some reason, only she knew what to say to make me feel better. Call me. I will try to say the right things. I will hold your hand.
Should you be so lucky to one day find the one who is deserving of your love, I will hold your hand on your wedding day. Then, on the days you bring children into this world (if you choose to, no pressure). I hope you do, because I would love for you to experience the joy and love that I have gained from you.
During your life we will share joy and sorrow, celebrate new lives and losses. Through these experiences and everything on the spectrum in between, I will hold your hand, when I am by your side and across miles.
Little one, we will grow with one another, teaching one another along the way. Sometimes I will take your hand in mine and sometimes you will take mine. One day, long from now, our roles may seem to reverse. I may need you to care a little more for me. I hope you will hold my hand. Then one day, I hope decades from now, my hand won’t be there anymore. But that is the beauty, my dear, it will always be there, holding yours, even when I’m not.
I do not know what the future holds for either of us, or for our family. I hope that our futures are filled with more joy than not. No matter what I will be forever grateful that the universe knew that you were mine and I was yours.
Love,
Mom
